My FringeNYC 2009 “I Liked It” Awards

My “I Liked It” Awards:

Some intro words:

I am part of the festival itself, handling the international shows, adjudicating and writing the flagship article (The Personal Shopper) in the festival newspaper Propaganda. However, this list is personal and proudly biased.

I seek new and authentic experiences; shallow entertainment bores me, unless it is so shallow that it crosses over.

And now – the envelope:

I Liked It!

(31 shows out of 59)

38 Witnessed Her Death, I Witnessed Her Love: The Lonely Secret of Mary Ann Zielonko (Kitty Genovese Story)

Aug 15 – An interesting show about the private life of the woman who was stabbed in a “nice neighborhood” in 1964 and no one helped. Stories from several points of view, interlaced with enjoyable dance numbers by 4 supporting performers. This is not a polished show and it could have used a stronger director, but it is unique and poignant.

666

Aug 26 – 4 extremely talented physical performers, using mostly grants, bring entertainment to another level. This is nonstop shenanigans, what the 3 stooges can have only dreamed of being.

Abraham Lincoln’s Big, Gay Dance Party

Aug 22 – this is actually a current-day political play about a Lincoln-related controversy, presented from 3 points of view, laced with entertaining scenes and poignant moments. This is an interesting mid-brow companion to the higher-brow Victoria and Frederick for President.

The Adventures of Alvin Sputnik: Deep Sea Explorer

Special visual achievement

Aug 18 – Tim Watts is a gentle Australian who marvelously tells stories with the aid of his laptop and an unusual screen, his inventive puppets, and some surprising and colorful props; sweet and accomplished.

America’s Next Top Bottom: Cycle 5!

Aug 21 – great if you take in a late show and some drinks; if not – you judgment is impaired.  Campy, campy, campy!

American Jataka Tales

Aug 19 – Ed Malin, a FringeNYC veteran, returns with his special mix of geeky facts and hilarious non-sequiturs. This comedy about incarnation is really an intelligent sketch show with 4 talented actors. While the evening is a bit unfocused, the jokes are original and the show – authentic.

ARTIFEX. The Artistic Life of Emperor Nero

Aug 20 – Nero assigns 4 artists and himself to play scenes from his life; this playful show features passionate performances and wisdom about being an artist, and a living being. The show is in English with Italian accents – accept that not all the text will come through and focus on the passion.

Bullettrun (Al Fresco show)

Auf 27 – this “Parcour” show, an athletic display of hip-hop style, much influenced by the surfboarding, is a fresh attempt to utilize the added energy of young adults. It is exciting to see this, as well as watch its audience.

Complete

Aug 26 – linguists overcoming their fear; this show revolves around issues of languages, and ways it is misused. The dialog has to be heard to be believed (in a good way, I mean…), and the production is wonderful, especially a brilliant performance by Lucy Owen.

Dances In Funny

Aug 20 – five nicely seasoned female performers dance, mostly to their own humorous monologues about food. This is more “funny” than “dances”, and while much of the humor is gentle, there are many inventive moments and some laugh-out-loud ones.

e-Station

Aug 21 – e-Performance-Art; 3 actors in traditional Chinese clothing utilize computer cables and keyboards to slowly convey obstacles. One image – a woman balancing a keyboard on her shoulders as if carrying water pails. And there is multi-media too.

EGG FARM

Aug 29 – this tale of the future is visual and physical, consisting mostly of short and very short sequences. True to its being an L.A. production, the core is missing, robbing the play of direction and coherence, so all this on-the-surface hoopla got pretty tedious. But the artistry, acting, and ambition make this worth seeing.

The Event

Aug 15 – an hour monologue about being on stage and describing the current situation we are watching in real time; intelligent and entertaining, wonderfully executed, though with all the accomplishments, it is not the easiest to watch. Nevertheless – it is “an event”!

Every Love Story Ends in Tears

Aug 21 – The love story of the author’s grandparents, told throughout the years, from Puerto Rico to New York of today. Lovely!

Harold Pinter Pair

Aug 23 – splendidly executed. The second piece, Ashes to Ashes, is not easy to follow as the first one. You may want to read this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashes_to_Ashes_(play)

His Greatness

Aug 29 – a lovely play: a bit sexy, a bit witty, a bit name-drop-y; what’s not to like?

A History of Cobbling

Aug 21 – an absurdist play, well written and acted (by the authors). The dialog flows, and the acting is great.

I Can Has Cheezburger: The MusicLOL!

Aug 18 – this is my biggest surprise so far, as I was expecting a silly / dumb show; but perhaps 20 minutes into the show I was sensing the intelligence behind this whole endeavor. The over-use of the cutesy pics from THAT website and the smart, non-clichéd songs as well as some superb performers who are in on the joke have reeled me in. Kudos to the creators Kristyn Pomranz and Katherine Steinberg. One note – my fave performer by far was the underused Bryan Welnicki, playing Drop, the cat waiting in the cardboard box. Well, you can’t have everything.

Jesus Ride

Aug 25 – The story of making a bad Jesus movie interlaced with history of Jesus and Jews in the movies. Smart and entertaining.

La Ronde

Aug 16 – A challenging show, so this is not instantaneous entertainment. A reworking of a classic gets a fresh take, with continuous innovation and use of props and multi-media. The director, Larry Biederman, took some courageous liberties with the zig-zag structure, and while not all segments are equally effective, the sum deserves standing ovations.

Mark Storen’s A Drunken Cabaret

Aug 22 – Mark as a combination of Tom Waits and Kylie Minogue, and he is funny too; his songs of sexual perversions and murder tendencies are surprisingly romantic. While he is a wonderful performer, he will better his show by moving forward from the exclusively separate segments – I wanted the ending to be a long unit, a mini opera, to keep me on my toes.

Mars: Population 1

Aug 15 – An impressive solo show that tries to convey the first mission to Mars with the aid of one cushioned chair. At first it seems like a stunt rather than dramatic accomplishment, a man at play; but thinking about it later I find it touches the essence of gender. There is something there beyond the charm.

The Office and the Metal Blob

Aug 17 – Andrew Scoville, the creator of this and last year’s Tune Up Faulty Pistone, describes the show as Multi-Media / Performance Art. But that makes his show an also ran. Fact is that this is Improv/Sketch Comedy of the highest order. His expertise, evident for the second year, is in creating the frame work where his artistically-inclined improvisers create rich characters. He has yet to learn how to bring it all together so the story has a meaning.

Penumbra

Aug 26 – a moving show about growing up; this is obviously a first show, and it summarize the basic family, Puerto Rican background, absent father and a violent episode. It is well done, and while not earth shuttering in any way, an emotional, authentic performance.

Population 8

Aug 30 – a lovely play about a real small town; not perfect, but beautifully written and creatively directed. Excellent cast; my favorite: Dana Berger.

Powerhouse

Special visual achievement

Aug 23 – Raymond Scott was an obsessive workaholic, a bore, so the show is focusing on his work; it depicts, very creatively, his music, the cartoons that were using it, and the electronic music he created later in life. His relationship with his 3 wives is the weak part of the show – they all whine about the same thing. But when the show is strong, it is a revelation.

Romeo and Toilet

Aug 25 – Hilarious Japanese performance art; this is a collection of physical gags, very loosely inspired by the bard, but for sure by Japanese group think and nonchalant approach to private matters. It is both clever and charmingly immature.

Spitting In The Face Of The Devil

Aug 29 – the true story of overcoming an abusive father, though the sexual abuse was targeted towards others. Well performed, though at some point it felt like the actor was auditioning by playing all these characters from his life. Moving nevertheless.

Tearoom Tango

Aug 21 – 6 guys portray sexual activities in a men public restroom, and by one present a monologue about their point of view; some pieces are surprisingly poignant, and the show ends strong.

Victoria and Frederick for President

Aug 17 – An entertaining look at history, with multi-media and jokes. The acting is truly superb, and you learn a lot; an original.

Winnemucca (three days in the belly)

Aug 21 – well acted, mostly well written, mostly well directed piece taking on the story of Jonah. This is one of the better dramas I have seen so far at FringeNYC.

I Kinda Liked It…

(22 shows out of 59)

Afterlight

Aug 20 – first the good part: there is something sweet in this self-described Christian production, so wholesome that even teenagers necking comes off as wholesome; and the actors play in earnest. But that is that. The play is unfocused, the characters sketchy, and many scenes are awkward. And yet – I did not hate it…

Be the Dog

Aug 28 – This adaptation of Dave Eggars stories features lovely acting and many good scenes; but it is missing its core: it comes off as a random collection. About half hour into the show, I found myself saying: “OMG, I am bored!” About the same time, my neighbor started fidgeting with her program, subconsciously making her impatience known. A missed opportunity.   

Citizen Ruth

Aug 23 – with all the hoopla over this weird choice of subject, the show is still filled with clichés. It is above average, yet it preaches to the choir and I do not see it crossing over beyond the musical-theater crowd.

Cock-a-Doodle-Doo!

Aug 27 – this was such a mixed experience; this is the 4^th Fringe show I see from Danny Ashkenasi, and as usual, his music is accomplished and attractive, his esthetics beautiful, his collaborators top notch. Danny also performs – he is a passionate, authentic performer, sometimes unpolished in a charming way. But when it comes to “Actor” things, say enunciation, Danny is less than perfect. Perfect is, however, the storm he created here: a story that is hard to follow, an almost unstoppable stream of words, most of them uttered by the person on stage that projects least. I sat a few feet in front of him and I can’t tell you what the story is truly about (nor could my neighbors). I cannot assess why Danny chose this particular story (I shudder to think he simply wanted to endlessly say “cock”). At some point I was reminded of another Fringe show, Dante’s Divina Commedia – Inferno, performed in Italian with no translation. Both are exquisite works of art that manage to shut out their audience.

A Contemporary American’s Guide to a Successful Marriage

Aug 18 – A mixed experience: The jokey first act with its old guide style grew tedious fast and only the enjoyment of the cliché lovers in the audience kept me awake. The second act turned realistic, and even daring in allowing the characters to be silent. Then – it is back with another jokey style to tie loose ends. All in all – not bad; just long and confused.

Dante’s Divina Commedia – Inferno

Aug 16 – What a missed opportunity: accomplished actor and cellist behind  beautifully screened images, but using Italian to recite Dante and providing no real subtitles sent me to think about anything but, instead of re-educating myself on the text and actually being kept interested.

Deathwatch

Aug 28 – Good people, Misguided. The idea of woman playing men in this Jean Genet “males in prison” play is SO wrong – either make them dykes, or give the roles to men. The actresses are so lost here that nothing makes sense. They all recite their text, and the whole thing feels like a high-school production.

Dolls

Aug 20 – this crowd pleaser is essentially missing its core; while the actor is entertainingly playful portraying elements in the life of a kid who collects dolls, the show is missing a meaning, a reason for being. As a result, there is no satisfying ending here, and we are getting an open mouth overflowing with potato salad and a few booty shakes to cover the omission.

Ether Steeds

Aug 19 – This is another atmospheric play about a dysfunctional family with accents. The writing and performance are wonderful, but the theme is unclear and the evening only mildly interesting.

Face the Music…and Dance!

Aug 23 – a mixed bag of dance, music and storytelling of various qualities; there are three wonderful dance pieces, and the rest is somewhere between forgetably cute and plain irritating.

GRAVEYARD SHIFT The American Tragedy Musical

Aug 27 – the music is attractive, and some of the scenes are cleaver; but from the opening video it was clear that this is a lightweight, milking a known genre for the gazillionth time. I acknowledge that it can be entertaining; still – I was bored.

The Green Manifesto

Aug 16 – while the story and the lyrics where too straight-forward to generate appreciation, the music and the voices made this enjoyable.

High Plains

Aug 19 – beautifully executed, this tale of a violent sibling rivalry is ultimately pointless; an attempt to shock the audience in the guise of substance, or as I call it: violence-porn. When Tarantino does it, it is fun; here it feels just manipulative.

Home is the Sailor, Home From Sea

Aug 29 – something fishy is happening at Tisch / NYU: graduate are unable to write drama, focusing instead on creating serviceable Improv frameworks. While The Office and the Metal blob (NYU grad) was somewhat accomplished as sketch, here we encounter awkward first-level skills, script that seem to be generated after one improv session, a show most impressive to friends and family. One moving scene as well as the aspiration of this troupe are the saving grace here.

Peace Warriors

Aug 16 – a good play with awkward beginning. Some over-acting and inane comments about the Middle East precede a much more interesting story about sexual affairs and unhappy marriage.

Refractions

Aug 28 – there is SOMETHING in this show, but there is also much that should not be there, and much that is missing. The dialog is a collection of “smart” quips where no one is actually responding to their companion and thus the scenes go nowhere; the acting is mostly lightweight (the actress playing the “powerful rich woman” is an exception), and the playwright seemed to have been paid per word. A recipe for a headache.

The Rule of 9

Aug 15 – Oish! This is such an uneven show! In between the poignant moments and the sound structure, we are getting an aimless script, awkward direction, and one particularly inept actor. There is talent and respectable aim here so I did not hate it, but I wish the writer worked more on this seemingly first draft.

The Secret of Our Souls-A Kabalistic Love Story

Aug 15 – A lovely musical about European Jewish life a few hundred years ago. Good music, lyrics that are witty at times and accomplished execution, though it still not what makes me tick.

Series 6.2: Paint on Canvas

Aug 23 – the concept is great: 2 women talk about the life and art while playing with paint. Unfortunately, these 2 well-meaning performers seem to borrow from clichés, reciting what recent college grads might perceive as deep and honest. At this point, they are wannabes.

VIRAL

Aug 19 – This a marketable show, but not a good one. Viral touches on 2 issues, suicide and sexual perversion, of which the writer seems to offer little expertise. Consequently, this will work for those who understand them even less — shock the bourgeoisie! So while much of the dialog flows nicely and despite having a very good actress in the role of the suicide contemplator, the play is filled with implausible moments, standing on a very faulty premise.

Woyzeck

Aug 16 – A European tale of despair gets the L.A. treatment, including some entertainingly colorful props. While the lead had a strong presence and impressive moments, he also fails to consistently convey the character mental state, alternating between lobotomy and bravado. The rest is also all over the place, devoid of authenticity.

Zipperface!!?!: The Hobo Musical

Aug 30 – this crowd pleaser owes a lot the its very large and enthusiastic cast – legend has it, their families and friends are coming to every performance, so every inane joke gets a laughter. Fact is: this is just a run-of-the-mill sketch show with some good tunes and voices, an interesting band and perhaps 5 genuine laughs: I came down to hang in the wings because the hectic backstage was more interesting than the show. But also fact – many enjoy this, and perhaps the encore series will really determine the potential of this show after all the relatives got tired of seeing it.

Didn’t

(6 shows out of 59)

The Aperture

Aug 17 – This show about a fake photo is the real fake here: the second sentence already seems false – people do not talk this way. The Aperture is filled with scenes that are supposedly charged but are really clichés that the author has nothing to add to, and some incoherent scenes about a policeman that I failed to understand. Add to this that while the 2 actors were competent playing themselves, they failed miserably in portraying the side characters they were asked to take on.

Buddy Becker’s Big Uncut Flick

Aug 15 – As tired as they come; this gazillionth spoof of dick flicks has a few fine performances but an non-captivating script and mostly recycled jokes. Life is short, Buddy!

Finger Paint

Aug 25 – well, this is what a lame New York play looks like… flowing dialog masks the inane finger-painting metaphor and the ultimate cluelessness of this piece; despite the bubbly poses and ample sexual poses I was mostly bored.

George and Laura Bush Perform . . . Our Favorite Sitcom Episodes

Aug 15 – What a fiasco! The brilliant idea expressed in the title is abandoned early in the show in favor of a silly time travel bit and a stale backroom drama that betrays the characters it uses. The only line worth repeating: when George is pondering the quality of his acting, Laura says: “Your acting can only be judges by future generations!”  This and the title are all that there is there.

Notes on the Land of Earthquake & Fire

Aug 16 – The usual L.A. Shtick – the kind of show that feels like a strung together improvisation scenes; could not bear to witness the whole thing.

Some Editing and Some Theme Music

Aug 16 – Great concept gone awry: it starts beautifully, all of us hoping that this Vloging-themed show will generate some new experiences / new observations. By mid-point, we understand the team has no worthwhile observations, and we are happy to call this a respectable failure but a good experience overall. And then the director starts her self-indulgent rant, where admittedly having nothing to say prompts no silence on her behalf, turning the audience into hostages. The only thing we learn here is that self-indulgent vlogers are as tedious as self-indulgent old-school performers. This show was missing a “mute” button.

Best NYC Staycation : FringeNYC Staycation

This is the flagship article for FringeNYC (The New York International Fringe Festival) own newspaper Propaganda, where I have been writing as The Personal Shopper for six years now. I provide a manic overview of the festival, mixing the message with plenty of fluff.

Best NYC Staycation: FringeNYC Staycation! Advises your FringeNYC Personal Shopper.

Yes, ladies, gents and independents; this is me again, your personal shopper to FringeNYC, and for the sixth year in a row, I will be trying to give you a totally biased view of our festival , telling you what is new and what’s old, while bestowing lame awards as I go along. As usual – we have a totally fresh location for our FringeCentral , this time on Crosby street below Spring. A multiplex with its own waterfall, this Staycation Destination is the former home of the Wall Street Bull creator. So why vacation, when a Staycation is more fringe-y? Leave Pamplona behind and come run with OUR bulls.

New this year are our Staycation tags; an easy way to associate a show with a theme, and thus allowing you an easy path for your journey. Each show can have 2 Staycation tags, and they are as whimsy as can be: from “Dude Ranch” to “Lingerie and DVD Store”; from “Absurdly Surrealist Dream” to “Outer Space Zombie Adventure” and “Fantasy Island Excursion”. You have been warned!

Lingerie and Other Unmentionables

Let’s get the smut out of the way, shall we? Under “Lingerie and DVD store” we have PORN ROCK-The Musical (a once under-aged exotic dancer!) and State of Undress (Neo-Burlesque-Titty-Show!); there is Mr. Sensitivity (well-endowed carnal pleasure!) and Tearoom Tango (world of bathroom sex!), The Books (Egyptian dominatrix!) Zipperface!!?!: The Hobo Musical (prostitutes!), and more!

And one cannot properly cover dirt without a nod to celebrities, can he? In the “Celeb-reality TV in Hollywood“ Staycation lies America’s Next Top Bottom: Cycle 5! (ass-piring bottoms!) as well as Jen & Angie (Oh, Brad!), Groupies (obsessions: Marlene Dietrich, Kurt Cobain, Eminem and Elizabeth Taylor!), Tell It To Me Slowly (repulsion! reality television!) The Jungle Fun Room (Oscar-winning mom!), Notes on the Land of Earthquake & Fire (A Hollywood assistant!), but also our favorite EX- president in George and Laura Bush Perform . . . Our Favorite Sitcom Episodes (with Matt LeBlanc!).

And Now for Something Completely Different

Yep – some high-brow name dropping, s’il vous plait! In our “Literary Lane” Staycation we find A Midsummer Night’s Dream (8 actors!) and M: An adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth for three actors (well, 3!); the smartly named Romeo and Toilet (see how they do it in Japan!). Also of the respectable reference, we have Woyzeck (No jokes here!) and Candide Americana (ponsy schemes!).

Some other names droppers: Kaddish (or The Key in the Window) (Allen Ginsberg!) Cock-a-Doodle-Doo! (Herman Melville!) Mutti’s After Supper Stories (Brothers Grimm!) and Professor Ralph’s Loss of Breath (Edgar Allan Poe). But let us not forget Harold Pinter Pair (we know about his pair!), His Greatness (Tennessee Williams) as well as the joke-already-in-there The Most Mediocre Story Never Told!

It’s Raining Dudes

Get your umbrellas! You never know if this is Bromance or Homo-mance! In our “Dude Ranch” Staycation, we frolic with Home is the Sailor, Home From Sea (three young men!) and John and Greg’s High School Reunion (two man comedy!) and first dark (two city boys!); we have Be A Man!!! (the almighty “Boys Club”!) and 6 Seconds in Charlack (the dude’s point of view!) we present both The Boxer ( A lass dressed like a lad!) AND Fancy Footwork (Biff! Bam! Pow!) and for every Comedogenic (whisper-and-scream) we have Dirty Stuff (a gay pimp!)

Both dudes and dudettes mount their tents in our “Summer Camp(y)” Staycation grounds. From Abraham Lincoln’s Big, Gay Dance Party (was he or wasn’t he?) to Bitch! (The Autobiography of Lady Lawford, as told to Buddy Galon) (mother of 60′s Rat Packer!) and PIE-FACE! THE ADVENTURES OF ANITA BRYANT (the original Carrie Prejean!); but also Willy Nilly: A Musical Exploitation of the Most Far-Out Cult Murders of the Psychedelic Era (gratuitous nudity – at last!!!) Web and cat aficionados will purr over I Can Has Cheezburger: The MusicLOL! (cat journeys!) while those who love to max their credit cards will call on Bargains & Blood (How To Succeed In Home Shopping!) (the inventor of Hair-in-a-can!).

Politico!

As in every year, the shows that touch the political surface reflect the place the country is in; if in 2007 in was the political burden and last year the glowing hope, this year’s politics simply take the back burner; there were not enough shows to create a Politics Staycation. But we do have some references: from Victoria and Frederick for President (Barack and Hillary were not the first!) to The W. Kamau Bell Curve: Ending Racism in About an Hour (the first Obama joke!); from Citizen Ruth (Scheming politicians!) to the very stretched possible allegory: ARTIFEX. The Artistic Life of Emperor Nero.

And the envelope please –

Our yearly awards for excellence in naming one’s own show are here, and many bypassed of using this tool to gain traction. Some runner ups this year are The Most Mediocre Story Never Told! Which is both attractive and not; but also The Meaning of Wife, SPERMALOT: The Musical, state of Undress and even Some Editing and Some Theme Music. But this leaves just one clear winner in my sometimes humble opinion. The best title this year is (wait for it…) Romeo and Toilet; This Japanese show takes the Bard, and romance, to places they have not been to before. Bring a deodorizer.

You So Short!

Our “You So Short” award, given to the title with the smallest carbon footprint, usually goes to a one-word title, like VENUS, VIRAL, VOTE! Or even Hint; but the clear winner, managing not only to reduce the title to a mere 3 characters, but also recycles the same one twice! Our winner is 666, a show that points us towards the shortest route to hell.

Like a Horse!

And now, ladies and gents, we finally made it to the “Like a Horse” award, given to those who cram as many letters into the title, and honorable Fringe tradition on its own. A special mention is given to Bitch! (The Autobiography of Lady Lawford, as told to Buddy Galon), and also to George and Laura Bush Perform . . . Our Favorite Sitcom Episodes and to the runner-up: Willy Nilly: A Musical Exploitation of the Most Far-Out Cult Murders of the Psychedelic Era.

But the winner, the shlong holder, the master of length, the kink of ink, goes to 38 Witnessed Her Death, I Witnessed Her Love: The Lonely Secret of Mary Ann Zielonko (Kitty Genovese Story) which in a glorifies FringeNYC tradition, strings together two-prong main title, one sub title, and a secondary yet most necessary sub-sub title. Perhaps 38 have witnessed her death, but I have witnessed this title comes to life as a sure winner!

My Own Michael Jackson Tribute

One of my performance personas is Mr. Kam, Chanteur Provocateur. I perform an a Capella medley of a certain theme, weaving a story out of short segments from each song. I am dressed in a white jacket, and gently intoxicated, I overact the message. Notable themes have been Disco, as well as The Meaning of Brittany Spears (and her ilks, see youTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GV9fN8G5pA).

For the last few weeks, since MJ’s death, I find myself singing a slow, emotional version of his Jackson 5′s I Want You back; perhaps to him –this song has potential outside the teen-pop arena. And then came the idea to create a medley of his songs, kinda summarize what he meant to me.

A story emerges from these segments: we miss Michael after shunning him (I Want You Back) ans we wanna be starting something (this medley) – Michael crazy childhood (Off The Wall), leading to Beat It (song of determination and sexually) leading to a confession of mismatch with normal love and fatherhood (Billie Jean); Thriller — the demon inside, is not necessarily about vampires, but about his dealing with his uniqueness (Smooth Criminal).  He vows to change (Man in the Mirror), but the only change we can really bring is the change in the lives of others (We Are The World).

I will start with I want you back: slow, from the 2nd verse
Trying to live without your love
Is one long sleepless night
Let me show you baby
That I know wrong from right

Every street you walk on
I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the very one
I didn’t even want around

(There is a break after baby, and “chance” is lengthy)

Oh baby
give me one more chance
To show you that I love you
Wont you please send me back in your heart

(and repeat, stretching the last line)

Oh baby
give me one more chance
To show you that I love you
Wont you please send me back in your heart

(And a smooth transition to Wanna Be Starting Something; the “something” part os a bit separated,  with a shrug that say it does not matter what it is)

I said you wanna be startin’ somethin’
You got to be startin’ somethin’
I said you wanna be startin’ somethin’
You got to be startin’ somethin’
It’s too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You’re stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)

(To Off the Wall)

So tonight, gonna leave that 9 to 5 upon the shelf
And just enjoy yourself
Let the madness in the music get to you
Life ain’t so bad at all
If you live it off the wall

(and to Beat it; still slow)

You better run, you better do what you can
Don’t wanna see no blood, don’t be a macho man
You wanna be tough, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

(As the chorus starts, there is some pelvis movement, graduating to jerk-off simulation of a 20-inch wide penis — but not as just jerk off, but that sex is necessary to not be defeated)

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

(And to Billie Jean — she is not a lover, he is not my son; hmmm — how Michael)

Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Hee, hee, hee — in high MJ voice

(And to…)

Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

(And to Smooth Criminal)

So, Annie are you ok?
Are you ok, Annie?
You’ve been hit by
You’ve been hit by -
a smooth criminal

(and to Man in the Mirror)
I’m gonna make a change,
for once in my life
It’s gonna feel
real good,
gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right…

(and finally — We Are The World)

When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
Oh, and it’s time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

(Repeating, encouraging audience to join in)

We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
so let’s start giving
There’s a choice we’re making
We’re saving our own lives
It’s true we’ll make a better day
Just you and me

Reports of Paula Abdul’s Demise are Grossly Exaggerated

The news wire is like “Report: Abdul’s return to ‘American Idol’ doubtful”, and I am like “Hmmm…”

At first — a second of excitement: can the fast-forward-able Ms. Abdul really vanish, incoherent rambling and all?

But then :”WAIT A MINUTE!”

- PA has a new manager, which means it is time for self-proving tricks
- American Idol is VERY cautious with its formula — while they may add a younger chick for balance, an early demise of a fake expert, and the queen of positive comments as such, as truly un-American, as it may hurt ratings
- Paula is clip-show gold; she is hardly a characters the AI producers would willingly part from, though they WOULD appreciate if in between incoherent rambles she would simply shut up. Save your strength for the REAL crazy rants, honey.
- Ryan just got his contract, Simon got his a few weeks ago, Dawg and Bikini Girl are really too boring for contract drama; so it is now the time to play the last card — will the looney sign? Will she? Will she?

So, again, it is not Audition Season yet, and we are already talking about American Idol. Expect all 4 bozos to take their place, uttering their trade-mark-registered “Pitchy” “did your own thing” and “Hated it!” as usual.

But if they find us another Adam, all will be forgiven.

My 5 Michael Jackson Moments

I was actually around when the Jackson 5 came into the scene; I was living in Israel (where I grew up), and “ABC” and “I Want You Back” were playing there, just like everywhere. There was also a cartoon, which I caught on TV channels coming from Cyprus. It featured Diana Ross, who, the legend goes, discovered them. It was years before the ongoing joke about Diana and Michael being the same person.

The only record of MJ I actually purchased was “Off the Wall” — vinyl, pressed in Israel (I was in a Jerusalem art school at the time.) I was mesmerized by “Rock with You”, but I did not fully get the album as a whole — there were albums that I understood quite differently once I moved to New York and got the context.

I saw the Motown 25 show in a bar on the Upper West Side, and my jaw dropped. MJ’s moonwalk, and the haunting beat of Billie Jean, were shockingly effective. It was like something I never saw before, a strong declaration of superiority. He was the king, without the need to declare it through a title. Billie Jean is still amazing, much more meaningful to me than the song Thriller, which I see as a phenomena than a favorite.

Michael reached his peak with Billie Jean, with only a few genius moments after that. “We Are the world” is for me the best representation of MJ as the messiah of unity, and I am also at awe with the video of “Scream”, where Michael and Janet showed us who is boss when it comes to artistry. Unfortunately, that was part of his lost phase, where everything was self referential or megalomaniac. MJ was not able to develop much further as an artist — so much talent looking for growth.

It is all connected to his personal life. Madonna, famously, suggested he just hook up with one of her male dancers and get in over with. But MJ was way too damaged to be simply “gay”. He married elvis’ daughter, connecting with her similar limelight upbringing. He befriended so many young kids, connecting with his lost childhood. I do believed his innocence in regard to sharing a bed with kids — there is something very asexual about him; in fact, it is suggested that he is not even the sperm donor for his three kids — so asexual he was. He came off to me as a genius with a damaged base, never able to find a footing the way other artists get enriched by living a somewhat normal life. He died just as devoid of necessary sustenance — there was no food in his stomach, just pills.

Adam Lambert on 20/20 – Puke Worthy

Let’s clear it up — Adam was great; his mother was great; the interview ended up causing nausea.

Shopping on Ebay: The Sandwich v. Plate Lesson

There is a trick to having a good shopping experience on ebay; but first, the Sandwich v. plate story:

In the 90′s, New York’s restaurants made dishes both cheaper and more expensive; you could have say, grilled chicken sandwich for $15, and practically the same food better presented on a plate for, say, $25. Who would go for the plate? well, those who could afford it, or cared about the image of ordering the luxurious version. Everyone won — the budget conscious, the image conscious who were sitting in a busy restaurant, and, of course, the smart owners.

The lesson: good business requires separate approach to customers: some can take what some would not.

And now to my ebay story:

I purchased a small kitchen appliance from a vendor with excellent rating and a clear promise of satisfaction, after sending a friendly email to assess response.  The item arrived with a minor defect. In response to my complaint, the vendor offered to send me a replacement part if I “help” him with shipping cost. The defect was blamed on the shipping, as the unit was “well tested” before packing.

I had the clear sense that I am taken for a ride here: did my friendly email portray me as a nice guy and therefore an easy target? Did the vendor innocently missed the defect when testing?

I chose not to be upset; the vendor has simply mistaken me for a “plate customer” while I am on a budget.

My email to him included:

- suggestion that since the the defect was in the shipping, WE should contact UPS

- reference to his excellent rating; a proof that he knows how to deal with customer dissatisfaction, but also of my power

- declaration that I do no mind the extra effort and labor dealing with the replacement part, but I do mind feeling screwed.

My email worked: the vendor is sending me a replacement part without charge, and is including added accessories as a token of apology. The phrasing of his regrets is such that he does not deny a foul play, just expressing concern over being perceived as such, hence the  quick resolution.

For me there is a hidden confession there — but that does not matter; I am getting extra accessories, and a story.

American Idol 2009 – the “New Interpretation” Strategy

It was noted elsewhere (EW?)  that the 2 finalists, Kris and (scream!) Adam and were the contestants who most effectively altered the songs and gave them a fresh interpretation and a new meaning: Kris with “She Works Hard for the Money” and “Heartless”, and (scream!) Adam with everything he touched. The two other early favorites proved lacking in that particular aspect: Lil was always on one of 2 modes: Copy (Tina Turner) or Church Lady, while Danny was ultimately limited in scope and self-awareness, breaking the speed of taste with “Dream On”. So this year, interpretation was the key to success.

And who do we have to thank for this change?

First, it is a direct lesson from David Cook, the winner of the last Idol. David made it a habit of choosing shockingly different (for Idol of yester-years) arrangements for iconic songs; most notable — “Billy Jean”. While his arrangements were often about choosing an already-made version to imitate rather than start fresh, he proved that there can be new life in this tired show– it can be non-Kareoke.

And than there is the ever-harping-on-artistry Kara. She was stressing something new in the world of same-old: Randy with his same-old Pitchy-or-Dawg , Paula with her same-old incoherence and fear of shutting-up, and Simon Cowell with his same-old me-me-me / rubbish / my nipples. Kara was a breath of fresh air in that regard, though she did bring along new forms of irritation.  But to support that David Cook’s aftereffect — that she did.

Is John Stewart Being Duped?

It seems the B.S.ers of the world have learned to utilized John Stewart’s shtick on The Daily Show.

Stewart is a comedian; a funny one. You laugh even when he sheepishly states “I got nothing” during the comedy bits, which is cool as long as the segment is part of the comic portion. But when the interview comes along, this comedy show turns into a potential platform for B.S. because John takes one self-deprecating joke to be the entry ticket, so guests pay the easy fee and go on to spew their message mostly unchecked.

This cannot happen to Stephen Colbert — his ambiguous personality and passion for nailing guarantee that B.S.ers skip his show or stand to get bruised.

John — the interview portion with political figures is not mere comedy, even if it comes with jokes. Many viewers are in effect taking the words of the interviewe at face value, so “I got nothing” is not good enough there. Remember the newspeople you skewered on CNN’s Crossfire because they took politics lightly? The guests who hijack your platform without your resistance are putting you in that very position.

I hope John “gets something”; I started to fast forward through the interview portion of political figures– I can’t bear to watch him being taken for a ride.

American Idol / Dancing with the Stars: is America Voting Republican?

Its unanimous -twice this week, in 2 major TV elections, America voted for safe choices over openness.

The scenario repeated itself: when favoring the usually bland if occasionally brilliant Kris Allen over the ever-creative, somewhat-alien Adam Lambert, the country repeated its day-earlier vote on Dancing with the Stars, where Shaun Johnson, an all-American athlete short on grace was chosen over the ever-limber and God’s gift to eloquent moves Gilles Marini who is lacking on the being-American front.

There is a hint of fear of what is different — yes, we will acknowledge the artistic value of the 2 alien individuals; but no — when it comes to an actual choice, we will go for the safety of the  reassuringly more familiar options, the narrower “us”. That is, in essence, a political turn to the right.

So is this good news for the Republican Party?

Probably not; the winners, while being conservative in comparison, are nevertheless artistic risk-takers. The RNC is at this point buried in right-wing confusion, busy labeling others instead of bravely focusing on its own message. They will have to be more creative and ballsy to tap into that trend.